I just won't

Hey
I can say that, I can say this
I can say a lot of things

That I will never leave your side
That I will always be there for you
That you will have my hand to hold on to,
my shoulder to rest on and
my heart to keep forever.

That you will have too much of happiness to worry about.
That you will have someone driving you crazy everyday with love and care.
That you will become so addicted to the freedom he gives you, you cannot leave his side.

Seriously I can say that, I can say this. All the above and much much more.
But Hey, why would I say all that when I have decided to let you experience it and see for yourself.

No, I am not saying anything to you. I just won't.

A Privilege

I lost my father. Not my birth father but the person who brought me up since I was three. My mom's dad and my grandfather. A person of exemplary character and great values. A sincere, efficient and kind doctor who had helped hundreds over a career spanning 40 years. A loving grandfather who taught me everything I know, who is the inspiration and reason for what I am. I lost him. We lost him. It was sudden, unexpected and cruel. Everyday is a constant struggle now. Sanity being elusive since then. Sadness thats permeates every cell of the body and becomes a permanent part of the mind. Amidst all the complex and disheartening and disorienting thoughts there is only one thing that I am sure of. It's been a privilege. To have known him. To have lived with him. To have spent 20 years with him. It's been a huge privilege. Have known that all along and realize it more now. He was and is a great man and there are very few like him. To have lost both parents as a kid, to have overcome numerous hardships and become one of the greatest and most well-known doctors of his time, to have remained so modest, unselfish, helpful and hard-working all his life it takes so much will-power and mental fortitude. It's just impossible to be like him. He is one of the most hardworking persons I know. Even to his last day. A common snippet out of his life: He used to haul 10 gallons of water by foot everyday from the wells to the families in his village on a 15km round trip before he went to school. And many more like that.

I miss you grandpa. I miss you so much.

Ramble On!

At the request of a close friend I have decided to put together all 'that' stuff I write under a new tab.

In chronological order:

Oh..How I Wish..

Wish it happened :(

Have no fear

Before you leave

Back

What a fool!

You Cheater!

Lie and Wait...

Today

Gladly a 'Have'

For the past fifteen days I have been spending my days at the hospital in my hometown. I am writing this from the same hospital. The first 10 days were spent waiting outside the ICU. And the remaining in a hospital room. The thing with the ICU as we know is you are not allowed inside except during the visiting hours. So everyone who has a family member or friend inside will have to wait outside. They should always have someone available 24/7 who could get medicines, lab tests and other necessary stuff. I do that while anxiously waiting for the recovery.

Since this is a supposedly super-specialty hospital patients with all kinds of ailments visit here. The emergency room is open 24 hours which is not so common in my city. The nearest seats to the ICU are located at the entrance to the hospital in the outside patio. It is not as far as you might think. A hundred feet perhaps.

I get to watch what happens and who comes and goes everyday. There was an accident emergency last week and the guy was rushed in with broken bones and cuts and blood all over. Not a sight one would want to see. Thankfully he is fine now and will recover in time. In the ICU there was a patient admitted because of a heart problem. Came in due to a stroke. His name was Rama something. His brother along with his wife brought him here. They put him on all the necessary equipment and life support etc and looked like he will survive fine. Then there was a old lady named Rani. She was admitted in the ICU last week. I do not know why. Her family was here at the hospital day and night waiting for some good news. Then there is a diabetic patient who went in to a coma and regained consciousness recently. But she cannot recognize anyone. She just stares at you. One of the staff members and her husband(I guess) put her in a wheel chair and take her out for fresh air in the evening. They wheel her around in the front patio where I sit. They keep talking to her hoping she will comprehend something. Occasionally she starts crying out aloud and they try to calm her down. No one knows why she does that. She is still not talking nor recognizing anyone. Yesterday I heard screams from her room. People were trying to keep her awake and not let her drift off into oblivion again. Not sure what happened after that.

In about two weeks we spent close to Rs. 2 lakhs(2,00,000) for the treatment and are still paying by the day. For a middle class employee that is an year's salary. Since there is no or little medical insurance here in India people pay it out of their pockets. Since we are fortunate enough to afford it we are able to do it. But what about the common man. I will tell you what happened.

Rama, the guy who was admitted in the ICU could not afford it any more after 3 days. He was forcefully discharged since they could not pay the bills. His family shifted him to a government hospital where people are treated for free. But they do not have the same equipment nor the space to admit everyone. Don't know what happened to him. The old lady Rani could afford it but the doctors gave up on her saying there is nothing more they can do for her. For a week or more all her family members spent their lives outside the ICU waiting for the inevitable to happen. Yesterday when I reached the hospital they weren't there.

A couple of days ago a middle-aged man came and sat down beside me. I thought he was waiting on someone too. After a while I realized he was mumbling to himself. I looked at him and saw him trembling. He had tears in his eyes. I asked him what happened. Mr. Sai tried to compose himself before telling me his story. His mom was admitted in the hospital a month ago because of some brain ailment. The doctors started a treatment and it was going on. Today the doctors told him that the treatment is not working and her ailment is incurable. Over the last one month, Mr. Sai has scraped out every single penny he had and borrowed more for his mother's treatment. He spent his life's savings on the treatment. Initially the doctors were very hopeful that they can cure his mother. Now they say they cannot do anything. Grief that his mom is not going to survive, frustrated that he cannot do anything about it, angry that doctors did this to him and helpless and broke Mr. Sai did not know what to do. He looked like a man who does not lose his calm in public. Looking at him struggle was so painful I cannot even begin to describe it. A helpless situation where is there is no hope.

Of course there were tons of people who got cured, who came in with pain and left happier and healthier. That's what is noble about doctors. I always believe that the happiness one gets in the relief of pain is the best one. Like with every profession not all doctors are good and not all are bad. I have come across compassionate ones and outright rude ones. Efficient ones and sloppy ones. It's like that in every profession. Here, the hospital's deceit is not so obvious to the normal eye. But believe me it is there. Just cannot be proven easily. What worries me the most is the medical costs and rich-poor divide. What about all those people who cannot afford it. What about people who cannot pay Rs. 10,000 a day? Do they have to accept the inevitable and leave their fate to God. There is no choice, is there?

In the world of Haves and Have Nots I am glad I am a Have. And I am going to generate as many of them as I can.

Traffic in the sky

Heard it a month ago by chance and fell in love with the song and Jack Johnson's voice. Soothes you, makes you feel and nice song to run in the background. Though he sings it for a different reason.

Today

Fond thoughts

Happy moments

How much fun it used to be

How much special it used to be

The beautiful face

The lovely smile

My eternal void

Have a great day today

Khronicle - IV

Nihaal and Sanjana...continued from Khronicle - I

Click here for the complete series.

Sanjana walked into the classroom and took the fourth bench in the second row. Cool. No disappointment today. The professor walked in and started off rambling about something about how to write SQL queries. Amidst listening to the prof and taking notes he stole as many glances as he can of her. The Professor still talking. Whatever. He looked at his sidey who was totally engrossed in the lecture and diligently taking down notes. Good. He could compare notes later. Nihaal zoned out. What should he write her next. When should he tell her who he really is.

---------------

Hi Sanjana,

How are you doing? Hope all is fine back at BITS.

You should be starting with your economics this semester right?

I never understood what this dual degree of yours is all about.

Nitin told me about it. Master's first and then Bachelor's.? Weird.

I am doing good. My college had started too. We don't have the semester system like you.

It goes on for the whole year. These days I come to this net center to check mails and browsing. Internet at home is so slow. It takes a long time to just open the home page.

I am going to the sai baba temple with my parents and sis this weekend.

Do you know the Sai baba temple. It's closer to your house I think.

Don't get fried in your hot summer there at Pilani. I heard it's very hot there.

I got to go now.

Keep in touch,

-Nihaal

---

Hi Nihaal,

I was busy while sending the previous mail and so I have

typed the wrong address. Only today I came to know that the mail returned.

Yeah,infact what Nitin had said is correct.

We can get any of the B.E degrees if we take M.sc as our first degree

provided u get enough score in the institute exams.

It's like they see the students performance in the tests that were

conducted here and then offer a

dual degree.They offer this only after the first year.

Once the dual is offered they don't change it again.Or to be more specific

it's difficult to change it.So we study for five years and get two

degrees.One is M.Sc Economics and the other is B.E Electronics in my

case.

I have heard about your college many times.

So Nihaal you check your mails in the cyber centre.

I think it's a bit irritating thing because the access in these centres is

very slow.

Here these days I am often coming to ipc to spend time mailing.

Because its very cold in the ipc because of the air conditioner.

Whereas if we go out it appears as if we have gone to hell directly from

the heaven.

We don't have any tests till 29th.

So vetti life till then.

So u can happily enjoy your week end with your parents right.

What is your sis doing?

That's all for now

Bye

Sanjana

----------------------

It's been almost a month since their 5th sem started. Her birthday's approaching. He wanted to get her something. Too early to buy her anything? What should he get her. How can he send it to her with a fake return address of their hometown while he is Pilani. Should talk to Nitin on how she would react.

How, when and what are the questions now.

Lie and wait...

Even before you know me
To talk, to see, to meet
To like, to love, to live
To fight, to forgive, to laugh
To share, to care and more
I lie and wait for you...